Why Do I Do This To Myself?!
So, Christmas break came and I decided that this was a good time to get REALLY acquainted with Netflix. The weather was shitty cold and overcast. The kind of days you just don’t even want to get out of bed. But I’ve got kids and they like to be fed, so I got up. Not sure I was dressed or smelled very good during this break but dammit, I did get up and feed the boys, so I’m definitely not the worst mother out there.
BACKSTORY: My romance with Netflix started a couple of months ago. My husband got rid of all of the good channels and brought in another fricking remote control to deal with. Why do they do that?! I just wanna push one button to turn it on and hit the up or down button to find my channel. I’m old and still like to watch regular television. I don’t mind commercials. They’re the perfect amount of time to go pee or grab a bag of Doritos and a drink. I prefer them. Otherwise, I’d never know when it’s time to move. Nowadays though…commercials are for the weak. Can’t stop. Won’t stop until you reach the end. And if you find you just can’t hold it anymore, you can hit pause on the television and then continue to watch it on your phone while you’re doing your business. Amazing. Truly amazing. Anyhoo, it’s more difficult to watch the plain ol tv in this house. So. Much. Extra. Button. So, I figured I’d give streaming a go. END BACKSTORY.
I lied. MORE BACKSTORY: So, here it is. I’ve never seen Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Weeds, Dexter, or the show about anarchists on bikes. I just don’t have the time or the giveashit to sit down and do it, so I’m waaay out of touch. I’m not even sure my television plays anything besides Scooby Doo and Captain Underpants, but it’s time to heat her up and see what she can do. I go to facebook and ask for suggestions. OFFICIALLY UP TO DATE NOW.
In order to rendezvous with Netflix, I’ve gotta find the two remotes that we are currently using. This is harder than it sounds and takes up a lot of time most mornings. The Fire Stick remote is so damn small and the five-year-old thinks he’s a badass because he knows how to use it. These two things combined means I’ve gotta search all of the places he’d likely hide it so that none of us will turn off Bat Pat. And since it’s so small, there are so many places! Oh. There it is. On this particular morning, I find it buried under the Cheerios on his tray. He was STARVING this morning. He ate…juice.
The boys got a lot of crap for Christmas and I’m pretty sure they won’t be coming out of the bedroom anytime soon, so let’s get this party started. I started slow. I’m either the worst or the best at binge watching. The jury is still out. I’ll start at 8 am and go straight through until my eyes are closing around midnight, only pausing to throw some food at my children or use the restroom. Showers and housework…not on my list of shit to do during a binge. Am I winning? Is this how the kids are doing it these days? I really do not know. So, as I was saying…I start slow. This first week I choose shows that are only one season in, knowing that the neglect my children are suffering will do minimal damage. The Good Place, The End of the F***king World, Atypical, and some random movies. The Big Sick was better than I’d thought it would be, by the way. Season 4 of The Ranch also came and went in a day. I do love me some Sam Elliot. Seriously, how does he stay THAT handsome?! And I know a lot of people hate Debra Winger in this role but I love her. She did Urban Cowboy and An Officer and A Gentleman. She can do NO wrong in my eyes. Suck it, haters. Bud and Cissy forever!
The second week of Christmas Break and I’m bored. Christmas gifts are all put away. The house is clean. Everyone eats breakfast and then goes off to Play PJ Masks or Hot Wheels. I’m alone with the tv, so I decide to go in. A friend told me about Schitt’s Creek. I don’t realize that it’s already three seasons in when I start watching. I was absolutely useless for two days! Did I move? Did the kids eat? It’s quiet. Did they eat each other?! I can NOT do this again. We have to change clothes. But then Wednesday rolls around and nobody wants to play with me. They eat and are off again to destroy their rooms and tear apart the toys that Santa worked so hard to put together. He was up until 3 Am, y’all. The boys started plucking pieces of track off of that Ultimate Garage within minutes of seeing it. Animals. So, I’m alone again. House is cozy. I started a fire all by myself! I’ll sit down and enjoy it. Shit. That little remote is right there calling me in. Okie doke, you cute little thing. You win. What’s next? Oh. The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. I’ve heard good things. Let’s go Netflix. You and I are a couple again today. Holy crap?! Where did the day go? I did it again. I really need to start looking at how many episodes and seasons there are. It’s midnight and I’m not even through Season 1! Three seasons later, I’m caught up and I don’t regret it. It was funny but this needs to stop.
I wean myself off slowly by watching a couple of scary movies in a dark room by myself. Hopefully, this will make the break up easier. I think if we are over on ugly terms and I’m scared, I won’t be so eager to go back. 47 Meters was about sharks and I HATE fricking sharks! That should do it. The kids come in while I’m watching it and now they also hate sharks. (A week later, Aunt Christy gave them sharks from her trip to the aquarium. Jameson was not so quick to warm up to it. Bwahahahaaaa!!! Another monster for the threat arsenal. Chupacabra, Krampus, Shark.)
It’s January 18th. Grace and Frankie comes back tomorrow. I need to shower, clean the house, and hug my kids. I may not see them for a while. Light a candle for us and pray that I don’t see anything else that I think I MUST watch. I don’t think my ass can sit for much longer. Lies. It totally could.