Wax on. Wax ohshitpleasecomeoff! A CAUTIONARY TALE. No Boys Allowed.
So, I went to Target yesterday and I had a list. A small list and pat, pat, pat on my back, I kept my total under $50. But while strolling through the aisles, kid-free, enjoying that Mom’s Day Out High, I remembered one last thing that I needed. So, I headed on over to the razor/wax/why do we do we hate hair so much aisle. I was looking for the wax that Kaitlyn uses but they were out. It hardens fast and you just pull the wax off. Easy breezy but not today. So, I bought the tiny blue container of cruelty that was sitting next to it. It had the strips and says it can get those baby-fine and stubborn hairs, so I thinks to myself, this one must be better . I’ve got stubborn, baby-fine hairs! So, I toss it in the cart. Now, I only need this wax for my tiny blonde hairs above my lip and my nostrils. Yes, I do that and it’s AMAZING! Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it. BUT this kit has the STRIPS! Ohhhhhh, the possibilities. I check out in under an hour. So again…pat, pat, pat on my back for keeping to my list and not spending half the day in there. (I did try on eight dresses but I bought none, so shut it. AND one of them was super cute too. I’ll go back for it if Stitch Fix lets me down next week. I do have an upcoming cruise to dress for, after all.) Ahhhh, the cruise. The reason for this trainwreck in my bathroom. Things…sunscreen, travel-size shampoo and conditioner, and towel clips to keep your towel from blowing off your damn chair (these also let people know that you WILL be back to your chair, so if they move your towel, they’ve got balls and you can legit have a fit when you get back from the bar.)…got it all. I had all I came for plus the wax for my nostrils/ blonde mustache.I head on home. I unload my ONE BAG of purchases, have some lunch, and start to watch Days of Our Lives. Half an hour goes by and my brain says, “Leslee, you can totally do your nostrils and mustache during the next commercial break.” I agree. It’s NORMALLY quick and easy. I heat up the wax while I DO read the instructions. Understood. Rip the strips off in the direction the hair grows is really all I needed to remember. Commercial break. I head to the bathroom mirror to knock this out. Nostrils…done. Mustache…these strips are nice. Show hasn’t come back on so why not try for the armpits? Goes well but I have to do each one twice. No biggie. Here’s where my brain takes me down a long, dark road that I should have known to stay off of. Danger lurks. Days is totally back on but somebody crazy done took the wheel and there’s no stopping me now. What’s next? Legs? A smarter person might have gone there but…nope. I opted for my lady bits. The box said I’ll be hair-free for a month. Cruise is in a couple of weeks. Let’s go ahead and knock out the hoo-ha while the wax is still out and everything is set up in front of me. How much detail to give here? Hmmmm. Let’s just say I prepared the area and made it so I could see what was going on down there. I’m not even scared. I just go for it. Apply the warm wax and then the strip. Ready? PULL! I Owww. The strip didn’t come off. Pull again fast and hard. It came off but there was still wax there. I grab another strip and start to try and get what’s left. It’s not budging. My leg is stuck to my business and I have no clue what to do so I just keep trying. There may have been blood by the time I was done. Phew. Now to the other side. Oh yeah, I wasn’t goin’ half-ass. I was going to finish this. So much regret. Put the wax on the little stick and apply. Now, on application here, I dripped wax on my right hand. Super- smart me wipes it with my left hand. Dear gawd, what did I just do? Can’t think about that now. It has to wait. I apply the strip and let her rip. Holy shit. This strip had grabbed a hold of some stuff that was supposed to stay connected and I was scared to pull because it hurt like a mother when I tried. I wasn’t sure how I was going to finish this side. Thoughts are all over the place. 911? 311? Can Kaitlyn get off work to come help momma with her vag wax? Am I seriously sweating? Crap, I can’t wear deodorant because I just did my armpits! Holy shit, I have to get the boys in 20 minutes! What do I do? What I had to do. PULL! The pain was damn near unbearable but I did it. And of course, there’s leftover wax. Grab more strips which is pretty damn easy because my hands are so covered in wax. All I had to do was reach out and they practically jumped into my disgusting hands. I tried to get all of it but I’m pretty sure it’s a permanent fixture now. F*ck it. I gotta leave soon so I focus on my hands. Y’all this stuff is no joke. Who woulda thought Sally Hansen and me could create such a shitshow in my bathroom? It wouldn’t come off. I was sticking to everything! I decide a shower is the way to go. Maybe body wash will help. Let me tell you what. I was not finished making stupid choices. I focus on the wax that is still left over by my lady bits, first. It’s not budging. I decide to use a razor to try and clean up the mess I had created. Raise your hand if you can guess what happens next. Hair+wax covered hands=a mess I shouldn’t even be sharing but I’m doing you a public service by telling you what not to do and a solid by keeping it clean. I can’t even tell you how bad things got in there but there could be some PTSD happening today. I had completely missed the last half of Days and my HQ alarm was saying I had to go. I was in that shower up to the last minute before I had to go get the boys from school. I throw my clothes on and my yoga pants are sticking to me. FML. I will NEVER EVER try this again. Leave it to the professionals, y’all. My professional told me today that baby oil would have helped so if you ever do get crazy with the wax and find your labia is stuck to your thigh, you’re welcome.