Valentine’s Day Ramblings.

Dig if you will, the picture…a mom with 4-year-old twins. She’s leaving music class. Twin Boy walks ahead and into the parking lot. Mom starts trippin’. “Wait. Don’t go out there yet!” Moving cars, ya know? So, Mom takes off running to go and save Twin Boy from certain death in this parking lot packed to the brim with four cars in it. (Yes, I know. Even one car could be dangerous. Not the point of this story.) There’s another twin. A girl. Where is Twin Girl? Her mother is dragging her along behind her to save Twin Boy’s life. Twin Girl is yelling at Mom to stop. Why? Is she going to fast? NOOOOOO. Mom is dragging Twin Girl on the pavement, in shorts to catch up with Twin Boy. The woman stands her up and doesn’t even flinch. No apologies. Just “get to the car”. I’d considered judging her for less than a second but eff that noise. I’ve had her day. Today was shit, y’all.  And not just because Jack broke a slime-filled plastic, poop emoji all over a Francesca’s dressing room. (I put it behind the chair. I’ll ask forgiveness if they call me. Maybe.)I woke up at 3 this morning because my damn phone detected motion outside. I get up. Check on everyone. Peek out the front door…nothing. No chupacabra. No wild hog. No guy trying to collect clothes or cash for people just getting out in the workforce. I’m up for nothing and I’m up for good. And that’s how today started.  I thought Donna Reed would help at 5 AM, but it was an extremely mushy episode and they kept kissing and reminiscing. (PAUSE. Holy crap. I spelled reminiscing right!) But ew. Must have been a Valentine’s episode. The Facts of Life was just interesting enough to not put me back to sleep. Tootie did decide to go to her graduation. Phew!  Nothing puts me to sleep, so I get up at 7 and get the boys ready. We get donuts for breakfast because it’s a special day. I drop Jameson off at school, come back home and get ready. He has a performance today at school, so I need to look presentable. PS: my presentable is downright ugly when it comes to the moms at their school. No matter how hard I try, (washing my face and putting on pants that zip), I can never compare to these women. They throw on sweats or a tennis skirt and look like flippin’ supermodels. I just don’t get it. It has to be sorcery of some sort. I do not possess this power. Anyhoo, I’m clean and I’ve got time and money to burn. Hot damn! I had a gift card to spend. (Love you, Kaitlyn.) And we all know what happens when you’ve got money to spend and you go shopping, right? Everything sucks. If I went in next week after I’d spent my gift card, they’d be selling  Tory Burch, Miller sandals, in every color, for 75%off and I wouldn’t even have $50! Anyhoo, I find some cute jewelry and a dress after EASILY an hour of looking in the tiny store. Jack was actually good and the lady commented on how lucky I was. (Obviously hadn’t seen the dressing room yet.) He shopped and said how everything was beautiful and would look so good on me. He found a stunner of a bracelet and said Fred would love it. It was pink and I probably bought it too. Nothing else is speaking to me, so I’m calling it. Take my gift card. I’m out. Lunchtime. Jack was good so I treat him to lunch. “Where do you want to go”, I ask. “Somewhere with a toy in the food”, says he. McDonald’s, it is. I pull into the drive-thru, thrilled that nobody is there. So thrilled that I drive all the way past the place where you order. Dammit. I drive around again. Now, I’m behind three cars. Jack asks what the toy is and I tell him Peter Rabbit because the sign clearly says PETER RABBIT TOY INSIDE.  We pull around and collect his meal. I park so that I can get him all set up in the back seat. Fries in the left cupholder, juice in the right, burger on his lap. “Where’s my toy?” And then it happens. I pull it out of the box and the thunderclouds roll in. They gave him Shopkins. Whyyyyyyyyy??? He’s pissed. He’s had an ear infection and his mood lately is not unlike mine when Youknowwho visits once a month. Hormones, amiright? Jack gets his period at least six times a month and since his ear hurts…I don’t even want to be his friend. So he starts wailing. Nothing works when he’s like this. NOTHING. He cries all the way to the house. We are supposed to go straight to the school for Jameson’s party and performance but we ain’t goin’ like this. He cools down when we walk in and I tell him he can have another juice. He eats. We leave. Next up, my five-year-old angel is going to sing a Valentine’s Day song with his class. He’s been singing all week so I know it’s going to be amazing. I can not wait! I’ll make this short and just tell you that my five-year-old angel is the reason they did the performance twice. Little did I know, the precious babies were going to bless us with two songs. They start to sing “The Green Grass Grows All Around” and my kid says loudly, ” I don’t like this song” and then turns his back to everyone and watches the video going on the laptop, which is playing the music behind them. Ugh. He likes the next song, so we’re good, right? I’m pumped. The class starts to sing and my kid doesn’t utter a word but he does put on a show. He’s all over the place. Booty shakes to the front. Booty shakes to the back. Arms everywhere. I couldn’t tell you how many times he bumped the little girl next to him. She’s very patient. I feel like she’s just used to his nonsense and start to wonder how he behaves at school because this seems normal to them and everyone else just keeps singing. When it’s over, we all clap and the kiddos bring us a card. Super sweet, right? Well, I’ve got Jack crying, hanging onto my ankles because I woke him from the best back seat slumber and then I make Jameson cry when I tell him how sad I was not to hear his voice sing that song. #1 Mom! So, they decide to torture me…I mean…try again.  Repeat of the first but he does sing a little. I can’t get out of there fast enough. Next up…music class. I talk to Jameson about his behavior all the way there because clearly, he’s a wildcard today. He says he’ll be good today and do what the teacher says. Great!  Seems to take it all in. Jack has also pulled himself together because he loves music class.  We sit in the parking lot because we are a few minutes early. I pull out the phone to play for a bit and I see that there’s another school shooting. It’s a love video but I don’t turn the volume on because…little ears in the back, I can only read the comments. My heart sinks and I immediately feel like an asshole for wanting to strangle my children today. When will this shit stop? Someone smarter than me needs to get on this, STAT or I’ll be homeschooling my kids. They’ll be dumb and I’ll go gray. They’ve got great things to do in this world and I really need them to have the great education that they and everyone else deserve. Ugh. This day. We go in for music class. I give the teacher a warning about Jameson’s performance at school and I tell her that if he’s a distraction today, just send him out and I’ll talk to him. Not five minutes later…the door opens up and she’s scooting a howling Jack out into the hall. I rush him outside because people are practicing and the receptionist is on the phone. He screams and yells at me like a teenager would for twenty minutes! It was awesome. I took videos. He’s smacking the phone out of my hands, throwing himself to the ground, telling me, he doesn’t like his teacher, she was being mean, etc. Epic tantrum. Oscar-worthy, really. FINALLY, he gets himself together because I’ve made him realize that he’s going to miss all of class if he doesn’t get it together. He’s a snotty mess and I’m not sure he didn’t pee a little bit. Did I mention it was epic?! No liquids held back. He apologizes and asks if he can go back in. She allows it and all is right in his world again. Now it’s time to go and I see that mom dragging Twin Girl across the parking lot to wrangle Twin Boy. No judgment here, lady. We do what we can to get through the days. Now, I’m off to have a Valentine’s date with my husband, sans kids. We’ve earned every damn thing they put on that table tonight.

Oh! And I just got a text saying the adorable shirt that I bought to wear for my Valentine’s Day date, will be arriving on the 15th. Just keeps getting better. (palm to face)