Summer Break. Day Three and We Are All Losing Our Voices.

I’ll be adding to this all summer. Stay tuned.

Summer break. The most trying of times for a stay-at-home mom and her tiny humans. There is only one goal during this time and that is that all of you come out alive and make it to August. There WILL be scars, bruises, possible weight gain or loss, confusion, and massive headaches. But if you’re all still standing at drop-off that first day,  then pat yourself on the back, Momma and buy yourself something pretty, because you’ve done it! Do whatever you want! Go home and sleep for six hours! You’re weak and exhausted. So weak, you actually cried when you dropped them off. So exhausted that you may even have a mild case of delirium around 10 AM, when you think you miss having them home.  Snap outta that shit. I’m here to remind you of the hell they put us through all summer long.

I have grand plans for this summer! Even printed out a Summer Bucket List of things we should do. We have annual passes to Six Flags and summer passes to Sea World and I am not afraid to use those suckers. There are museums to go to and tie-dyed t-shirts to make! Let’s Get this party started!!!

Week 1- Wooooo summer! The boys wanna go outside. Okay, we can totally do that! Loving that they want to be outdoors, I walk down to the playscape armed with hornet spray and a broom for the cobwebs. I give them some bubbles to play with while I’m cleaning it up and checking for nests. This is nice. Yay, outdoor stuff! I want you to know that as soon as I was finished clearing bugs for them, I look up and the damn door is open and they’ve gone inside. They’ve scaled the baby gate on the bottom of our stairs and gone up to play video games. A-holes! They suckered me and it’s only Day 1. Whatevs. It’s quiet. I’ll allow it. The quiet lasts for ten minutes. They are screaming and yelling. I hear someone get hit. There’s some shit going on up there but I’m gonna let them work it out. Half an hour later…still sounds like a death match going on up there. They’re playing Mario for shit’s sake. What is happening?! I call them down. Now they’re screaming at me for making them quit the game. At least now, they’ve got a common enemy and have stopped beating each other up. I send them to their rooms to take a break from each other. We eat. We talk. Things seem good and they ask if they can go back up. I say yes but if I hear that noise again, you’re coming back down. It takes 15 seconds! Back down. Mom is so mean. We do this dance all day. All they do is yell at each other! I need to get them out of the house. The next day we spend three hours at the pool. They’ve been great all day, so when 5PM rolls around and they ask if they can go upstairs, I say sure. They should be tired from today, so how bad can it be? I tell you what, our upstairs must be like a portal to hell or something. They turn into demons immediately. I shut it down, feed them, and toss them in their rooms for bed. I’m over it. They sleep until 9 but Fred wakes me when he’s getting ready for work, so I still don’t get to sleep in. May move to the guest room soon.  Last night, they trashed the bedrooms. They were actually playing with stuff and being good so I let it happen. Bedtime rolls around. “Clean this up. We need to go to bed soon.” Nothing. Get this…they turn on the tv and get cozy on the bed. What the f*ck? Really??? I take the remotes and tell them they can have them back when the room is clean. I turn to walk out. *mutter*mutter* “What did you say?” Jack says, “Jameson said he hated you.” OH HELL NO! Three days into summer break and he’s saying he hates me. When does bible school start because we’re all gonna need some Jesus in our lives by week two.

51 seconds into week 2…Jack wakes up and comes into my room with a lollipop. I says to Jack, “it’s too early for that. Lay up here with me for a bit or go back and watch a show in your room. DO NOT GO INTO JAMESON’S ROOM and wake him up.” “Okay”, says Jack. He walks out. I stay put for 20 seconds before my super-spidey senses tingle and tell me Jack is up to no good. I go to Jameson’s room and the Jack has pulled all of his brother’s blankets out from under his still sleeping body and is hitting him in the head with the Wii remote. He’s whispering to him to wake up so they can go play Mario. A. Why is he awake?! For shit’s sake! I let them stay up until 11! B. Why does he want me to murder him before 7:30?! Tuesday, we argue for half an hour about which favorite part of The Greatest Showman belongs to whom. “No, that’s MY favorite!” NOOOOOO!!! It’s mine!” I WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE THIS WEEK. So far, putting them to bed late doesn’t mean shit for me the next day. They wake up. They wake me. And 30 seconds later, they disappear for hours. Whhhhyyyyyyy??? Wednesday, we went bowling. Played some games for tickets and paid $30 for some Whoppers and a Ring Pop at the prize counter. FML. But the bowling is free. If you’ve got little ones, check into it. https://www.kidsbowlfree.com/. It’s gonna save my life this summer and will keep us out of the Hell-On-Earth heat we’ve got going on.

Week 3…Bible School!!! But only for Jameson because churches discriminate against four-year-olds. But honestly, the time apart will do them some good. This is Jameson’s first time ever going to church and I’m probably opening up a huge can of worms by sending him but that can isn’t half as big as the one will be when Jack goes next week. Those Episcopalians had better answer all of the questions he’ll have in store for them because I’ve got no gas in that tank. Will update on that later. But Jameson is loving it, so far, and comes home singing the songs and talking about the snacks. The snacks are the first thing he talks about when he gets in the Jeep. They must be awesome! I feel a little guilty for feeding Jack pretzel sticks and raisins for three days in a row. I did take him to a movie today and that helped alleviate some of that guilt. I’m feeling pretty damn good about getting him out of the house. Pat, pat, pat goes my hand on my back. But now, they’re upstairs screaming at each other again. I’ve yelled. I’ve threatened. Nothing works. When will they realize that they’re in this life together for the long haul and shut that shit down?! As of right now, neither one of them is getting that prize Dinosaur Fingerling on Friday. Be nice to each other. I’m sure Jesus said that, right?