You don't want none of this.

Hey, Leslee! You should meet us at ACL!

Hey, Leslee! You should meet us at ACL!

The conversation is the same and it always goes like this…

THEM: Hey, you guys should meet us at *insert fun place here* on Saturday!

ME: I’d love to but we’d have to find a sitter.

THEM: Then get a sitter!

ME: It’s Friday. *sigh* I wish I could.

You see, I need at least a week’s notice to arrange a sitter but there’$ a bigger problem that I want to bring up.

Even if you did ask me a week in advance, I’d really need a month’s notice so I could sell a kidney and recover from it. Is that sufficient time to recover from major surgery? I dunno. But however long it takes, that’s how long I’d need.

Fred and I were excited by the idea of meeting friends at ACL. He was excited to see Metallica. I was excited to NOT see Metallica but to drink with friends. Either way, we were both excited to both be excited about the same plans. Perfect!  We have plenty of time to arrange for a sitter. One day tickets are only $100. Let’s do it! We never get to do anything like that. Pull up a chair and I’ll tell you why.

I’m searching the local babysitting page for a sitter. I usually ask Kaitlyn for things like this but she’s also going to ACL that weekend, so that’s not an option. I have one or two friends I could ask but I’d feel terrible asking them to keep my kids for twelve hours while we go out and have fun. So, it’s time to turn to strangers. No guilt there for taking a full damn day of someone’s life. So, I find a few that look good and sound like they could handle my two delicate turdfaces and send them private messages.

ME: I’m in need of a sitter for my two boys, ages 4 and 5 for Saturday.

THEM: Time???

ME: Probably all day. Let’s say noon to midnight.

THEM: *I imagine a huge shit-eating, Cheshire Cat-type smile widening across their face* Sure! (perky voice) I can do that!

ME: What do you charge an hour?

THEM: I usually charge $25 an hour but since it’s for so long, I’ll just charge you $20. (She’s proud of herself for cutting me a deal. It’s just like feeding the homeless, right?  She’ll be promoted to sainthood, fer sher!)

ME: Bye

Y’all! If babysitters are getting paid $25 an hour, most of you can quit your jobs, retire, and sit on babies for the rest of your days. Please believe I’m considering it! Did Mary Poppins or Ms. Doubtfire even get paid like that?!

Needless to say, we will not be meeting you at ACL again this year. *long sigh*

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